It’s official: the deep feelings between me and my cat are to be solemnised in a marriage ceremony.
In keeping with the spirit of the age, I’m unilaterally re-defining the definition of the word ‘marriage’ to include me – cat relationships. This is only appropriate given the strength of the bonds between me and Aristotle. It’s quite unfair that, until now, only the love between me and my wife has been dignified by the word ‘marriage’. I know that my relationship with the cat is a private matter, but I think it’s important that the value of feline feelings is upheld by this symbolic, public gesture.
I need hardly add that Aristotle is delighted. The wife, however, has declined to marry him too. That’s her choice, and is nothing to do with avoiding the outdated laws on polygamy.
We haven’t decided on a venue yet. I’m hoping to use the parish church opposite my house, but I haven’t yet spoken to the minister. Jenny may object, I don’t know. Obviously I will respect her views on the matter and I have no plans to report her to the RSPCA, though somebody else might.
Incidentally, I was very glad to see Gordon Brown seen off in his attempts to bully Muirfield and the R&A golf clubs into accepting female members. The fellow’s obviously a completely unreconstructed homo/lesbophobe. If he had his way same-sex marriage would be banned because it would discriminate against whichever sex was excluded!
Aristotle, I hasten to add, is a neuter.